14 Eating Disorder Recovery Tips For Parents and Caregivers

Supporting a loved one through eating disorder recovery is no easy task. Meal support is considered a key role of the parent or caregiver, especially in a family-based therapy approach. Yet, mealtimes are often the most emotionally charged times of the day. Avoid anxiety, frustration, and confusion at family meals with these eating disorder recovery tips.

14 Eating disorder recovery tips for parents and caregivers

Tip 1: Understand your role at meal time

It is natural for a concerned parent to take on one of these roles as their child recovers from an eating disorder:

Kangaroo

You see your loved one struggling; it hurts your heart to see them in pain. So, you try to protect them from that pain and keep them safe, like a mother kangaroo sheltering her joey in her pouch. The challenge with protecting your loved one from any stress or discomfort is that they do not learn to do this for themselves. It traps them in the infant role, and can exhaust you in the caregiver role.

Dolphin

You are present with your loved in through their pain. You offer guidance, not shelter, like a dolphin swimming next to their calf. Their eating disorder is their life preserver and you are helping them to understand they can swim on their own, when they are ready. The benefit to this approach is that you are there to gently nudge your child in the direction of recovery. At some points, you may lead the way and model healthy behaviors, swim alongside with encouragement, or swim behind them when they taking strides in recovery.

Rhino

In response to your family member’s pain, your instinct is to charge in and FIX it as soon as possible. You try to confront their eating disorder with logic and facts. You are firm and persistent. The challenge with this approach is that eating disorders do not make logical sense. Being the rhino is exhausting and often met with defensiveness, as your loved one and their eating disorder double down in frustration.

Tip 2: Know that your loved one’s eating disorder is serving a purpose

Understand that the eating disorder is serving some benefit to your loved one. Often eating disorders develop as a coping mechanism to protect or distract from feelings of powerlessness, loneliness, discomfort, or anxiety. Your loved one will want to hold onto their eating disorder, sometimes through the use of secrecy, manipulation, and deceit. Remember, this is not your loved one, but their illness. Be prepared to be met with defensiveness when the eating disorder is threatened.

Tip 3: Normalize food and body neutrality

One of the most important eating disorder recovery tips is to maintain food and body neutrality. It’s important to remember that commentary about bodies—not just your loved one’s body, but anyone’s body—can reinforce the idea that someone’s appearance is most important or interesting thing about them. Do not participate in discussions of food, calories, body shape or weight in regards to your loved one, yourself, those you know, or even strangers and celebrities. Instead comment on their confidence, their smile, their happiness, their hard work etc. This goes for meal time and beyond.

Tip 4: Never lock up food in the home

Locking up or hiding food in the house sends two powerful messages to your loved one: First that they cannot trust themselves around food, and second that certain foods are “bad” or “scary” and shouldn’t be eaten. The goal of treatment is normalize all foods and dispel fear that certain foods are “bad” or “unhealthy.” All foods fit in a healthy diet.

Tip 5: It’s not really about the food

Despite how they seem, eating disorders are rarely about just food. For someone with an eating disorder, food can be linked to identity, emotions, beliefs and/or values attached. When you see your loved one struggling with a disordered behavior at meal time, try not to focus on the food, instead, ask how they are feeling and how you can help support them.

Tip 6: Model healthy eating behaviors at meals

When eating with a family member, make sure to also have a balanced plate with adequate portions. Even better if you can eat the same thing they are eating. Set aside at least 30 minutes for the meal, and take your time eating to model correct meal pacing. Eat meals together at the table and try to follow a regular eating schedule (allowing for some flexibility, of course). During the meal, there should be no discussion of food at the table. Expect as the goal that your loved one complete at least 75% of their meal.

Tip 7: Watch for signs of struggling

If you notice that your loved one is struggling to complete their meal, don’t be afraid to gently prompt them and say, “I notice you are struggling, I am here with you.” You can also use mealtime distractions such as playing games or table topics. Sometimes, our clients can find “all-in-one” meals to be easier to complete. Those meals include all of the meal plan components in a single dish, rather than plated separately, like casserole, stir fry, lasagna, etc.

Remember you cannot force your loved one to eat. You cannot bully or bargain with them to eat.  You will get sucked in a trap by the eating disorder. What you can do is be there with them, offer distraction or encouragement, and sit with them if they’re feeling overly full or uncomfortable after the meal.

Tip 8: Make meal time a safe space with supportive communication

Conversations can be tense during meal support with a loved one. It can be helpful to set some ground rules that everyone agrees to keep meal time a safe space for everyone. Set the expectation that only one person talks at once, comments should be calm and respectful, and everyone should be focusing on the positive. For you, try to remember not to offer seemingly simple solutions (ex: Just eat! Look, I’m eating and I’m ok!). Also don’t try to bargain with reason, logic, or threats (ex: You won’t get fat from eating one slice of cheese! If you don’t eat, you can’t go out with your friends later!). This will only inflame the situation.

Tip 9: Stay calm if the conversation gets heated during or after a meal

If the discussion gets heated try to stay calm. Remember there are two parts in front of you: Your loved one and the eating disorder. It is the eating disorder you are fighting with, not your loved one. If you get frustrated at the process, take a break. Consider using statements that begin with the following:

• “I am concerned about…”
• “I see you think…”
• “Please can you talk to me about…
• “I think you feel…”
• “I have noticed that…”
• Confirm you understand what they are expressing, “Sounds like this might be the way you see things…? Have I got that right?”

Tip 10: Don’t get stuck in reassurance traps

People with eating disorders have high anxiety and look to loved ones for reassurance. Unfortunately, this will only provide temporary relief and anxiety will soon return. The reassurance will inhibit your loved one from learning that they can master fear and doubt on their own. You can remind your loved one that you are there for them and that the discomfort they feel is temporary and will not last forever.

Tip 11: Take a break if you need it

If tension and emotions continue to run high, take a break from the conversation and resume at another time. Here are some ways to healthfully end a discussion:

• “I don’t think this is a good time to discuss the matter. Let’s talk about it later when we are both calm.”
• “We have both said what we think, now i am going to…”
• “My emotions are too intense to think clearly at the moment. Let’s come back to it later.”

Tip 12: Don’t forget about support after the meal

Meal support doesn’t end when the meal ends. Your loved one may be experiencing intense thoughts of guilt, shame, or disgust after eating. They may also be feeling physical discomfort, indigestion, or bloating. Distraction may help to get their mind off of it. If you have any concerns about their meal, ask your loved one about it after the meal away from the table. In a quiet place without distractions ask questions, calmly express your concerns and talk about what you observed.

Tip 13: Only your loved one can decide when they’re ready for change

Family members and friends may have trouble tolerating the distress they see in their loved one and can “bury their head in the sand” like an ostrich when faced with witnessing difficult behaviors or having hard conversations. This can inadvertently invalidate their loved one’s emotional pain and discount their thoughts and feelings.

One of the personality traits common to those suffering from an ED is to be over-analytical. They can easily get consumed by the details, rather than being able to see the big picture. Their ability to focus on one thing without distraction makes them inflexible and rigid. By adding flexibility to other areas of their life it will, in turn, help them make progress on flexibility with food.

Remember it is not a simple switch. There are many steps on the road to doing something different.

Tip 14: Supporting someone in recovery is hard, make sure you have support too

You might be supporting your loved one, but you need support too! If you are worried about “saying the wrong thing” or “doing something wrong” take a deep breath. Have compassion for yourself, learn, ask for help, forgive yourself if you wish you reacted differently. Ask for guidance from your loved one’s treatment team (therapist or dietitian) on how you can best support them during meal teams. You can also seek guidance from other eating disorder recovery resources. It can also be helpful to talk to your loved one about what would be helpful for them during meal times.

This might be the most important of all the eating disorder recovery tips! Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Feed yourself regularly, take breaks, plan to have other family members support at different meals to prevent burning out. This will also model self-care for your loved one and allow them time on their own to build confidence.

For more eating disorder recovery tips, schedule a consultation with one of our specialized eating disorder dietitians. We offer support for you and for your loved one and have dietitians who are trained in family based therapy approaches to guide you through this journey together.